Thursday, 8 September 2011

'Lunch Date' - Romantic Friday Writers No. 18



Welcome to the Romantic Friday Writing Challenge, where participants share their own 300-400-word text on a given theme. This week's theme for Friday, 9th September, Challenge No.18, is 'Lunch Date'.
------
I've written two texts for Lunch Date. Choose the one you like best A or B:

THIS IS TEXT A:

It was Friday. Sanna and her son, Sven, climbed the stairs to the top floor of the old school building to visit the carpentry-shop, Tomas' domain.

'Hello? Tomas?' Sanna called out as she knocked.

'Yes, What are you doing here?'

'I've come to say good-bye,' replied Sven.

'Good-bye?'

'Sven is changing schools.' explained Sanna. 'Is there any way that he can finish the project that he started?'

'Yes, of course. I'll be here all of next week. Come back on Tuesday at two o'clock and I'll help you.' said Tomas, glancing at his schedule. He liked Sven and they got on well together. 'Yes, let's keep in touch. Just because I'm a teacher... I mean... We're friends too. I mean, I know your family...' which was not completely true. It was Sanna, he kept running into when he rode his bike. 'Where will you live?' asked Tomas thinking that this meant a move to a new town.

'Mostly with Mum and sometimes with Dad', said Sven and then recited the two different addresses that were not far from the school.

So she divorced him
, thought Tomas.
Tomas embraced the boy fatherly and then turned to Sanna, who actually hugged him. This startled him. What was she thinking?

Sanna and Sven left the wood-working classroom and walked down the three flights of stairs. Remembering Sven's music-lessons on Tuesdays, she told Sven to wait for her.

'Tuesday won't work. Sven has music.'


'Then, I don't know when I'll have time.' Tomas thought it sounded cold. First he offers to help the boy and then he takes back the offer because of lack of time. Should I soften it? I could ask her out to lunch. No one is around. A lunch date! I could ask her now! No. No time. He thought about the Chemistry and Biology courses he was taking to be able to teach other subjects that just Shop. He could work at one school and teach several subjects rather than to rush around to four different schools to just teach wood-working. No time this term. Maybe later.

'We'll just have to keep in touch, said Sanna looking at her worn shoes. 'Let me know when you have time. Good-bye, Tomas,' Sanna felt sad, as she walked down the stairs and thought, I'll never get close to him.

[Text Copyright 2011 Christina Wigren]
------
Word count according to WordCalc: 400 : FCA (Full Critique Acceptable - Write what you like, as long as it is well intended. Constructive criticism is always welcome.)


------

THIS IS TEXT B:

'You've got it so bad, Sanna', said Carina while cutting wedge-shaped pieces.

'Does It show?

'Yes. When you look at him.'

'Then I'll try not to. What kind of pizza is this?'
asked Sanna, changing the subject.

'
Capriciosa, ham and mushrooms. But any kind of pizza will do.'

'So, you're suggesting a love-potion?

'Yes. If you really want him, just sprinkle this powder before you cover everything with cheese and put it in the oven.'


'And he'll fall in love with me, Carina?'

'Yes.'

'Wherever did you find a recipe for Love-Potion-Pizza?'

'On the Internet, where else?'

[The first 99 words of this text is a post for Saturday Centus Week 70]


Sanna followed Carina's instructions and baked a pizza-pie with the magical ingredients. She cut it into wedges, wrapped and packed them in a small brown paper bag that would fit in her bicycle basket. She rode away.

Meanwhile, Tomas was looking at his watch and feeling hungry. Would he have time to ride his bike home and return for the next class? He donned his helmet and rode away.

Soon he met Sanna who came bicycling from the opposite direction. 'Hi Tomas!' She stopped.

'Sorry Sanna, I'm in a hurry. I can't talk now.'

'That's too bad. I've got something I'd like you to try. It's my new recipe.'

'Well, alright,' he stopped his bike by hers. Hunger betrayed his better judgement. He bit into the already cooled pizza-wedge and immediately started to feel warmer and his heart started beating faster. 'Hmm not bad... Could I have some more?'

'Yes, of course', said Sanna and looked him squarely in the eyes as she handed him another wedge. 'Are you feeling alright, Tomas?'

'Yes. I'm fine', he said unable to take his eyes away from Sannas. Suddenly, Tomas let his bicycle fall and walked toward her, embracing her and kissing her tenderly.

'Glad you like my new recipe, Tomas,' said Sanna catching her breath between kisses. 'I've got more at home.'

Tomas said nothing. He resumed kissing and holding Sanna in his arms. He wondered why he had not ask Sanna out to lunch before. He could do that now. But he wasn't hungry for food at that moment. 'Would you like to go out later on after school?'

'Oh, Yes, Tomas. I'd love to!' said Sanna and kissed him again.

[Text Copyright 2011 Christina Wigren]
------
Word count according to WordCalc: 389 : FCA (Full Critique Acceptable - Write what you like, as long as it is well intended. Constructive criticism is always welcome.)



Best wishes,
Anna




First Commenter:

L'Aussie Denise
of
Flashquake - #friday flash and other flashy brilliance


To read more texts for 'Lunch Date', Romantic Friday Writers Challenge No 18, Friday 9th September, please go to this site or click on the image below:



13 Comments:

L'Aussie said...

Hi Anna. You have been a busy girl - two entries! I confess I like the second one better.Your dialogue at the beginning is nice and sharp. I like your pizza potion and that certainly seems to work on Tomas and Sanna gets that tender kiss. Sweet! Their relationship is moving along!

Denise

Anna said...

Thanks Denise. I agree with you. I like the second text better too. I cried after writing text A. I felt so sorry for my character, Sanna, that I decided to use any means - even black magic - to help her!

Best wishes,
Anna

Francine Howarth said...

Hi Anna,

I'm with Denise, b has more punch and sets precedence for ongoing romance. The magic pizza is quite amusing, but maybe Tomas had reached the point of couldn't resist any longer: him and pizza happy conclusion! ;)

best
F

Beverly Diehl said...

Liked them both, but A was a little jerky, and it's a very short piece to have two Points of View in it. B, on the other hand, simply had more magic, lol!

I think, for me, B works better because there's more action. In A, there's a lot of thinking, but neither character is taking much action to solve his/her dilemma.

J.L. Campbell said...

Lots more action in b than a, but they I suppose you could use both for different parts of your story.

Anna said...

@Beverly Diehl

Dear Beverly,
Thank you for your observations about text A having too small space to fit too many points of view. I should think more about how the reader perceives these texts. It shouldn't be boring! Action keeps the reader awake!
------

@J.L. Campbell
Dear Joy,

Thanks for your idea about using both texts A and B, for 'Lunch Date', which is exactly what I am thinking of doing. I'll rewrite them, of course, but they could work together as a sequence of events, with perhaps other things happening in between.

These short snippets for RFWers can have a lot of tension in them when they stand alone because there is so much that has to be said or implied in 400 words. But if I string the snippets together to make a longer story, I will have to think about what each text snippet does to build a longer plot as a whole and how each text reveals something about the characters. There must be parts of the text where not that much happens until the right moment for an exciting event, such as a first kiss.

The reader should have time to learn to know, like and care about my characters enough to make it mean something when they finally embrace.

Good observation, Joy!
------

Best wishes to you both, Beverly & Joy,
Anna

Roland D. Yeomans said...

Two entries? You had the muse on overdrive, didn't you? Along with everyone else, I liked the 2nd entry better. Give me a shot at a happy ending, and I am happy as well. Add a bit of magic ... well, you did great, Roland

Anna said...

@Roland D. Yeomans

Thank you, Roland.
I'm glad that you stopped by and are now a follower. You have probably noticed that I am following your blog too.

Best wishes,
Anna

Kiru Taye said...

You've been busy, girl. I think I prefer option B as there was more going on. I like the idea of the love potion to finally get his attention. Well done.

Madeleine said...

I enjoyed text B. It was well paced and hooked me in.

I did feel that the line: 'Soon he met Sanna...' read a little like a children's fairytale.

I liked the line where he wonders why he'd never thought to ask her for a lunch date before, though I worry that the love is not true because she had to deceive him with the potion and that it will not endure and she will be badly hurt. Good job!

Adura Ojo (Naijalines) said...

Entry B is definitely more vivid in my mind. Thanks for coming over to mine and have a great week.

Anna said...

@Kiru Taye

Dear Kiru,
Thank you for stopping by and reading my texts. One more vote for text B! The love-potion is fun, but may have complications. Read on!
------

@Madeleine

Dear Madeleine,

Thank you for your thoughts. So far, you are the only one who worries about the same problem that I do: if it is only a love-potion, will it last? Anyone who has seen the Harry Potter-film in which a girl (was her name Romilda Vane?) sends Harry a box of chocolates laced with a heavy love-potion and the always-hungry-Ron Weasley devours them and almost dies of the cure, knows that it is not real love.

I agree with you, I think my character, Sanna, is in danger of being hurt, unless her amateur-witch-friend, Carina, has given her the wrong bag of powder. Maybe it was only oregano, and not a real love-potion. Carina sends desperate text-messages on her cell-phone to warn Sanna and to apologise for the mix-up.

I know one thing. I am not writing about Sanna and Tomas next week. I'll give them some time to sort things out, and write about other characters for 'Bouquet'.

------

@Adura Ojo (Naijalines)

Dear Adura,
Thank you for returning the visit. You confirm that text B is the better of the two for this theme challenge.

------

Thank you all for taking the time to comment.
Best wishes,
Anna

Ms. Queenly said...

I think I like the second better, because it seems they have a chance together; additionally its makes things a whole lot more interesting. The first entry sounded so final and discouraging though Sven was really cute; it sounded like Tomas was either unwilling or making excuses not to give into his attraction to Sanna, which also could be an interesting angle.

Although, she may have to fess up to what she put in that pizza later if this is what actually caused Tomas' reaction.

Im Translator

Translation widget